Travel – Page 3 – Nómada [con] Rumbo

Goals for 2018: Consistency, Discipline, and Amor Propio

Lately I have a lot of good energy moving around from my core to the tips of my fingers and toes. I feel like now is the moment to take advantage of that energy. To write, to share, and to manifest what I want from my life.

What sort of energy do you find yourself with today? Were you tired, tense, stressed? Indifferent, restless? Unsure, neutral? Relieved and relaxed? Calm and content?

It’s good to read your own energy and know how to spend it in the most efficient way. After all, we are made of the energy we surround ourselves with as well as the energy we generate and put out into the universe. One of my personal goals has been to carefully monitor and manage my own energy as well as the sort of energy I allow close to me. I’m an emotion sponge – always have been – and by being mindful of that, I can use that trait to benefit myself and forward my goals.

It’s all a matter of balance. Which is where I’m going with this post. How do we manage our energy? By putting in the right amount of time and energy into the right sorts of pursuits.

And how can we do that more effectively? I’ve been reflecting on that a lot since the beginning of this year. My personal answer has been a love of self and respect for one’s own needs, goals, and energies.

I want to share my goals, and the methods I will use to pursue them, not just to have a typical resolutions post but to show how the short-term goals we call resolutions can be turned into the beginning steps towards long-term projections toward the future.

Of course, there are no guarantees I won’t fall off the wagon and lose sight of all of this. There are never guarantees that we won’t suffer depressions or tragedies that muddy up our energy and take time to treat and heal. But that’s okay. My goal is not to be rigid when I commit myself to this disciplined mentality. Rather it’s to be adaptable and focus on all of the different avenues that help me to continue moving forward while still coping with the ups and downs and fluctuations of life.

Every day is made up of 24 hours. Time is limited and finite. I know, everyone knows that, right? But it’s also fluid and, yes, in some ways, a social construct. One of my primary goals is to construct my plans around time in this sort of way. Do I know if I will be able to commit to a master’s program by next year, for example? No, and I don’t know if it will be completely necessary to fulfill my long-term goals; however I’m in the process of figuring out the next step in my education, so I think putting that in there makes sense because it’s a part of my projection for the future.

Speaking in broad, fluid strokes, my goals are the following:

Writing: Blog, Poetry Collection, Novel, Essays

Writing is not only something I want to focus on for professional reasons: it’s a necessity to me. I’ve realized throughout my life that, no matter how tired or stressed or frustrated I am with life, I am always writing. No matter if nobody reads it. No matter if I don’t share it or it’s completely therapeutic. Or it’s dry and academic. In some way or another, I always have to be writing and expressing myself in this way.

So my goal is to build on that. To hone my craft and develop my voice, and beyond that, to put my voice out there and allow others to hear it. In the past, I have been very self-critical to the point of over-thinking and limiting myself. My goal now is to produce, to create in every way that I can, a la Neil Gaiman. Because, come on, no one ever got better by not trying. If I don’t apply myself now, all of these ideas I have floating around in my head will never materialize.

To put it in terms of time: this year I want to create a concrete collection of poems and send them for publishing and/or send them to different journals. I want to fill this blog with posts every month (a new post at least once a week) – and develop within my niche. And I’m hoping to have a good draft for my novel, The Dark Realm, by November. I haven’t really started working chapter by chapter because of energy place on establishing other habits, but once I have a good rhythm, I plan on taking my outline/planning and starting to chip away at those ideas bit by bit until I get something concrete to share. Essays, of course, go with the blog to a certain extent, although the blog will also include more anecdotal and list stuff. It’s more of a platform to highlight various parts of my experience.

2. Travel – and Document

This summer, I’ve already got two concrete travel plans: Backpacking in South America independently (with a little help from my friends that live in different countries and couch surfing/hostel friends I have yet to meet). The other is a mochilero trip with a friend who was actually my chaperone back when I went to Spain for a couple weeks as a senior trip in high school (how cool is that continuity?). I’ve been saving a lot to make these plans a reality, which of course is another big goal/goal-facilitator that can’t be overlooked.

In these travels, I want to combine my writing and picture-taking to tell a cohesive story of Latin America, the reality that I once only knew on an academic level, which is to say the complexities of the culture and societal dynamics (economy, history, current events, etc.). I love exploring for exploration’s sake, but if I could do at least a little to lessen the ignorance we see on a broad scale in the States, well, hey, I sure as hell want to contribute my two sense/cents.

Plus, the goal is to get other people intrigued so that they will go out and explore more, too. By living an experience, immersing yourself in another culture, we grow as individuals and as global citizens. Our mind’s horizons expand. You can feel the change and, I kid you not, nothing is ever the same. It sounds dramatic, but I know living abroad has changed me for the better. It’s made me more aware of what matters to me, the sort of person I am, and what other’s can teach me. We grow up thinking the world consists of what is truly only a bubble of reality, a small fragment of a much larger novel (hell, it’s more of a Robert Jordan-esque multileveled universe of epics, but I digress). So this goal is a real big one for me and for my development as a human being, which revolves around the broader goal of self-actualization.

3. Get a good camera and develop a photography portfolio

On that note, I need to get a good camera (which, again, is where saving right now is so crucial) so that I can properly document these experiences. There are so many things which catch my eye: people, relationships, shades, little details that create connections between language and images. I’ve always had this goal, but I never had the means. Now, with my budgeting, I feel fairly confident I can afford a good camera by the time summer rolls around and start focusing on a new craft.

4. Increase fluency in Portuguese and start developing some conversational/integrated skills in at least 2 other languages

This is fairly self-explanatory: by the time I’m 30, I want to be able to call myself confidently mult-lingual. That shit doesn’t happen on its own over night. There are some people that have amazing memories. Some people are surrounded by a multitude of languages and have to learn out of necessity or have the social circle that facilitates them learning. But the absence of those attributes and unique circumstances is not an excuse not to throw myself into self-studying and improving the capacities I already have in a few languages now.

The specific languages I’m focusing on are Portuguese (for obvious reasons, it’s the easiest for me because I’m already fluent in Spanish; it’s more being persistent and speaking as much as I can while developing vocabulary via listening, writing, and reading). I want to go to Brazil this summer, so this one is a big one. Luckily, I have a few years of casual study and a few Brazilian people that can help me. It’s just a matter of taking advantage of that.

The other primary language I would like to become conversational in is Japanese. You might ask, why Japanese? Well, I want to live and work in Japan by the time I’m 30. How I will do this, I haven’t entirely figured out, but I will make it happen. I’ve already got the basis in the language. I can write decently. The pronunciation is easy. But I need to get some good conversation practice and learn more vocabulary, which takes work. For now, I’m working on vocabulary so that when it comes time to speak I have some knowledge to draw on.

On the periphery, there is my basic knowledge of German and French. Those two are next on the list, but they seem further away. Language study takes time. I try to make it a daily thing so it’s easier to integrate it into my life and keep those mental pathways open. However, there aren’t that many people around speaking these languages in Colombia. So it takes effort. And these two are harder in terms of grammar and pronunciation. But once I have a good rhythm in Portuguese and Japanese, I’m going to start working more seriously on these two. And from there, the list goes on….

5. Start a new career more centered on my passions*

This is going to take time, and I know it. Right now, I’ve got a pretty good thing going for me as a teacher. I enjoy it. It motivates me and keeps me disciplined. However, it is not what I want to do indefinitely, and I know it. It is a passion, but it isn’t the passion I want to marry, you feel me?

I want to work with non-profits. I need to volunteer more. Build a more diverse resume. Advertise my translation skills. What does that certificate I studied and the money I paid for worth if I don’t? Hay que poner pilas!

6. Translation and potential Interpretation Certification/Experience

Obviously this is a big part of the previous goal, but more specifically I need to build my translation portfolio. And look for an interpretation program. It’s a skill that takes practice, plus that will help boost my resume.

7. Choose a Master’s program and work on the application process**

I’ve began looking into different Master’s programs. I know that if I want to go into diplomacy and international relations in the future, it would behoove me to, well, study and deepen my knowledge in that area. Living abroad isn’t enough. I need the contacts and the research to really get me to where I want to be as a professional. It’s just hard to decide when I haven’t settled on a place to live next year. Stability is something I have lacked and something I’m trying to cultivate despite my very spontaneous life style and multifaceted interests and pursuits.

Right now, I think I’m going to keep researching online programs. Its a resume-builder, for sure, but honestly, I’m more concerned with a continued pursuit of knowledge than a higher pay grade. Although that part would kind of help with the rest of my goals, so….it can’t hurt.

8. Stay fit – in body and mind (dance, yoga, and weights)

I love being active. I love the way it makes me feel. I was reflecting today, and there are three activities that make me totally zone out and forget about everything that stresses me: cooking, dancing, and any other physical activity (as well as writing, but sometimes channeling that energy can increase my anxiety, too). Oh and washing dishes. I’m weird, okay?

In short, I don’t want to be fit to be skinny. I don’t want to be fit for the instagram followers or the praise or the interest of boys. I want to be active. I need to be fit to be active and healthy. I need to be strong so that my body can handle more stress. If I can handle more stress, I’m sick less, and being less sick makes me less stressed and being less stressed makes me less sick. See how that one works? So, really, being fit is more about being strong so that I can do more.

Also, I really love dancing, but I’d like to feel more confident when I do it. Yoga helps with balance and meditation. Weights provide strength. All of them require discipline and practice.

9. Maintain a healthy diet and good eating habits – oh and more cooking.

All of my goals are kinda related, no? Well, if I wanna be strong and get sick less, I have got to eat better. This one I’ve been working on a lot lately, starting with waking up and making myself a good breakfast. Like, not just cereal or yogurt or breakfast bar, but actual omelettes (du fromage), granola, yogurt, fruit, juice, water…. The works. I still don’t really eat dinner, but I think I balance my meals okay throughout the day. And if I need to eat at night, I’m trying to cook on Sundays and plan meals ahead of time.

Last year, I started getting and staying chronically ill. Gastritis, acid reflux, and sometimes an inability to eat without feeling awful, no matter what I ate. During the holidays, I was able to reset, and I realized that the doctor that performed my endoscopy was totally right: my problems are linked to stress. Stress and poor eating habits. So I’m trying to work on both and get sick less. Because when I’m sick, I’m miserable. I feel like I’m unable to do anything, which leads to this awful sense of stagnation and anxiety. And then the vicious cycle repeats ad nauseum. Literally.

10. Continue building and strengthening positive relationships with people around me and leave negativity at the door.

This goal is definitely a strong personal one. Networking is important, but having real friends that you can rely on is even more important. Living abroad has made me realize that these genuine ties are so vital. They practically set a benchmark for defining our own happiness and fulfillment in whatever life situation we find ourselves. Without a strong support system, everything else seems greyer and less meaningful. Work is just work. But when you feel like you are part of something and work to maintain good relationships with the people around you, life and its labors become more meaningful. It also creates a sense of peace of mind.

I’ve been known to be confrontational. Negative. A bit abrasive. And I’ve had some relationships in my life that did not help me overcome those sorts of character traits. Being abrasive and direct is not necessarily a bad thing, but like all things, it requires moderation.

Living in Colombia has made me realize the importance of strong, positive interpersonal relationships – for accomplishing goals and just generally living a more fulfilling life. I see how my attitudes and actions can affect others and also affect the general outcome of various scenarios. When I’m positive and bear in mind the things I am in control of rather than dwelling on those I am not, I am able to connect to others in a meaningful way and truly enjoy the moment. These lessons have been invaluable for me. My goal is to continue strengthening the close relationships I have and doing what I can to contribute to a positive local and global community, focusing on the Butterfly Effect, the ripple of every choice and action we make.

Okay, I think that’s a good broad portrait of the things I want to work on and accomplish.

Here is how I hope to achieve them:

Budgeting
Time Management
Prioritizing
Flexibility
Habits. Make it a habit.
Developing and sharing hobbies
Mindfulness and meditation (be more stoic)
Focusing on the self and maintaining a healthy growth mindset
Getting help (and not being afraid to ask)
Dedicate time each day to the areas that need improvement
Self-assess and check in (continue with therapy)
Read more and take advantage of daily learning opportunities (be a life-learner)
Game plan and follow-through

I would expand on each, but I think it’s all pretty clear at this point. We have a limited amount of hours in the day, but if we prioritize and think of how we can work on each area every week and find moments in between – well, we make progress. As long as we’re working and making an effort to do something with our energy, we are making progress.

And I want 2018 to be my year of progress. Every year has involved metamorphosis. Sometimes it has involved loss. Often it has. Mainly, the loss has been a result of focusing my energy on the wrong thing or simply not focusing at all. Harnessing energy and managing time in a meaningful way takes a lot of effort, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Because, in the end, successful or not, I will have created something. This all might be fairly self-indulgent, but let’s face it: we all are self-indulgent. We all want to leave our mark and contribute something to the universe. We want our existence to be significant.

But significance doesn’t generate itself. I plan to take advantage of whatever opportunity I’ve gotten and not to spend as much time internally panicking and stressing the little things that ultimately will be forgotten by the next year, and more so by the next 10 years. It’s not about checking off every detail and simply focusing on the accomplishment itself. It’s about the journey towards these goals, not the destination.

How are you accomplishing your goals? Do you feel over-ambitious or under-ambitious? How do you manage your time and plan things realistically? Maybe we can swap insights. Leave a comment below!

Dating and /Not/ Dating in Colombia

In honor of Valentine’s Day (and its wonderfully appropriate alternative: Galentine’s day, brought to us by the comedic genius of Parks & Rec), I’d like to recap some of my horrifyingly hilarious experiences I’ve had in the Colombian dating arena.

Many times, I was thrust into this game unwitting or unwillingly. You’ll soon see how that is possible by the powers of machismo, though I assure you, it should come as no surprise.

In Colombia, I think it’s fair for me to say that dating culture, in general, is quite toxic. This is because of some harmful stereotypes-made-real and culturally-accepted norms, ranging from no-means-yes and yes-means-anything-goes and lying (both benevolently and not) in order to maintain a certain facade within the relationship (which does almost inevitably lead to straight up infidelity).

I know it’s been said, but this is, of course, anecdotal. There may be no studies relaying just why it is or the frequency at which these sorts of things happen. However, that doesn’t diminish the fact that they do happen, and mostly it’s because of the dominant machista culture. I’ll go in to what machismo is via examples throughout the post.

Most recently, I was invited to go swimming with a guy I barely knew. I met him while hanging out with a friend and her friends (and their friends) the night before. Bear in mind: I had expected us to go to the pool in a group, which seems safe, am I right? But his intentions weren’t completely unclear either. That morning, he had sent me several texts that read very…flirtatious. But that’s normal here. What Colombian doesn’t call most women “mi vida,” “bebe,” “mi amor,” “princesa,” etc.? You would be surprised. However, the excessive amounts of winking and suggestive-face emojis clearly gave him away.

Now, I really wanted to go swimming. Just keep that in mind. So I said yes, why not? I mean, worst case scenario, he’s just very awkward, right? I have to shun a few untoward remarks, maybe. No big deal.

Wrong. You see, when men like you here, they don’t care if you are as stiff as a corpse. They will touch YOU. Now doesn’t that just have the word RAPE spelled all over it in big crimson letters. Sometimes I forget this, and the shock is real.

As soon as I got in the cab when he pulled up at my house, he put his arm around me. Strike one. He started to caress my shoulder in this utterly cringe-inducing way as he spoke at length about things he assumed I knew nothing about and made general smalltalk. I tried to pretend not to notice, attempting to keep things light and friendly. He kept getting closer and closer to me. I could feel my skin crawling, that sensation you get when there are tons of invisible ants all over you.

By the time we got to the pool, he was trying to hold my hand, not letting me more than a few inches from him. We would talk and laugh or carry on (conversation in all its forms is my ultimate defense mechanism when I am really uncomfortable), and then he leaned in and without any sort of preamble (other than some sort of throw-away “sultry” – in his mind – phrasing) tried kissing me, which landed on my chin. This happened several times. When it happened, I went rigid. I told him I barely knew him, the physical contact is too intense, it’s making me uncomfortable – I mean how much clearer could I be?

He pretended to care, said it was no problem, insisted on asking if I was comfortable and having a good time. But as soon as I dropped my guard, the same awkward dance would begin again.

He would look for pretexts to touch me. In the pool, he tried to lift me up and carry me around. On the balcony looking over the city’s valley and surrounding mountain peaks, while I was trying to admire the view, he cornered me and blocked my line of vision. He recited poetry to me, sang at me, basically wrapped his legs around me at one point.

Need I go on? It was absolutely obnoxious. Then he had the nerve, after I told him more than once that none of that was cool, to ask me if I would be interested in going out with him some more. To which a cocked my head to the side and coyly responded, “Wait, what? Since when was this a date? I’m just barely getting to know you. And no, I would not be and am not interested in going out with anyone at the moment. No offense.”

Why do I feel the need to tack on the disclaimers? “No offense.” I suppose it’s hard to reject men flatly when you’re in a situation in which you are forced to be around them alone. It’s not that I felt physically threatened by him, but it’s just uncomfortable. My instincts to be polite often get me in trouble, and more so in situations like this. I imagine on some level it’s because women are trained to be polite above all else. Which in no way backfires, of course…

This phenomena of touching the other person whether they express that they want it or not and assuming that it is okay to press boundaries is all too common.

Even with my ex, there were times I did not want to be intimate, and to be frank, he would ignore just how rigid and indifferent my body language was, or that my words expressed that I felt. Somehow, all of this behavior gets written off as normal here. Which has led me to having to fight to express myself and then feel ignored or written off when I say, hey, stop, that’s not what I’m into.

If you are going to date a guy here, as with any cultural context, you must recognize that everyone is different. No two people are alike. This might maintain you with at least a little bit of hope and optimism. However, there are some broad norms that become patterns for some underlying reason. Most of what I’m describing here is do to machismo.

To give you a textbook definition, machismo is a strong or exaggerated sense of manliness; an assumptive attitude that virility, courage, strength, and entitlement to dominate are attributes or concomitants of masculinity. Are you seeing the assumptive patterns here?

Another example of how toxic dating culture can be here is the constant feeding of the male ego. I’ve now had several encounters with men who literally do not shut up about themselves. They will start asking you questions – only to cut you off before you’ve even completed a sentence.

It starts with them asking a million questions in order to seem like they are actually interested in you. Like, “So, tell me about yourself. What do you like? Where are you from? What’s your passion in life?”

Your mind begins to work over the slew of questions. You begin, “Well, I’m not sure where to begin. I’m really passionate about–”

“Oh, so did I tell you I just started working at this company blahblahblah.”

It really is that bad. And they expect you to just go along with it. And god forbid you interrupt them, because I have seen more than one guy get indignant or simply ignore everything I have said because, hold on, he didn’t finish.

Entitlement. When he cares, it matters. When you are interested, it’s up to him. And generally speaking, whenever a guy gets hit by the urge to mess around here, he expects his demands to be met. As illustrated with my ex as well as the guy I barely met, women are expected to just bend over and take it. Your refusal or disapproval is easily ignored. But don’t expect him to be around when you need or want something.

Which leads me to the next point: vanity. On one hand, it can be nice to date someone that cares about his appearance and actually wants to look good for you. But the dark side of that is the problematic behavior that concern can generate. It manifests itself in more than just an obsession for one’s physical appearance, but general appraisal of everything related to oneself. In a word: ego. I have seen how the image of a person can be set before the person themself. Sometimes it manifests itself in insisting that you only post pictures in which they look perfect. Other times, its demanding that you change your image in order to suit their whims. In all cases, it is exhausting and superficial.

Another common occurrence is texting in order to “manage” you and maintain your interest. “Que haces” is the most common and literally repetitive question. Sometimes I’ve been asked what I am doing with no more than a few minutes in between, as if there were literally nothing else to say or talk about. There is a sense of micromanaging as a means of control here. If you don’t respond, you obviously are devoting your time to someone else or something that *gasp* may be more important than your pretendiente!

Then there is planning. This spontaneously can pop up on the whim of your lover, and the proposal may be more of a pointed “we are going to do…” or “I want to do…” and less of a “hey, I was wondering if you would like to…”

As an American, I was used to the latter, more courteous manner of suggesting activities. Most Americans aren’t that forward when they are just getting to know each other, at least, not the crowd I tend to run with. I have never experimented with Tinder, but I did have my fair share of okcupid dates, and aside from a few cocky bastards, very rarely was a date demanded rather than suggested, without some caveat to make sure the other person feels comfortable even considering it a date. We Americans, in my experience, are less determined to put a label on our relationships too early in the game. In my opinion, it avoids conflict but can lead to confusion once someone inevitably catches feels and wants to know where they stand.

Speaking of being American, thanks to being the minority in the small coastal city I live in, I have been blessed with the experience of being exotified. If I was insensitive or indifferent at some point to the struggle of women of other ethnicities in the states, I can safely say that I do understand how it must feel to be reduced to a label, a stereotype, and fetishized for it – and it’s awful. It sucks. It really makes you hate everything associated with that label. The comments are cringe-worthy. The “be my sexy English teacher” and “let me teach you how to dance” and “all gringas are easy” are a broken record that drives you madder and madder everytime it enters conversation – and believe me, if you meet a guy here and you are American, it will. I don’t think I will ever date anyone again that clearly had some romanticized or crude American-Pie-fueled image of me again.

But going back to Colombian culture, dating is a clearly established game. However, the rules are generally “don’t ask, don’t tell” when it comes to the sort of transparency that tells you if other people are in the picture or not. Exclusivity, I have realized, is not as much as a given as the fact that if you accept an invitation to go on a date, in the guy’s mind you are probably “dating” unless he says otherwise. Even if he’s also seeing several girls on the side. Or one “officially.”

I have still yet to meet a man here that will straight up tell me if he has a girlfriend when he expresses interest in me. Even if I meet him with another girl that is clearly somehow sentimentally or physically involved with him, there is often a lie, either implicit or explicit: no, it’s nothing serious, I’m into you.

I’m starting to develop a sixth sense for this shadiness. Now I won’t take a guy as seriously and will most likely just walk away if he even suggests having something serious too quickly, assuming that he has a girlfriend. This is because I have been led on or straight up duped into thinking a guy was single only to be told by others or find out clandestinely that there was another woman in the picture the whole time. For me, as someone that as a rule would never go for a guy that is committed to someone else, that is absolutely devastating.

Returning to the theme of machismo, I’ve realized that there is an implicit cultural acceptance for infidelity if the man is doing the cheating. It shows his “swagger”, his prowess, his…insecurity. I think the root is insecurity and the lack of genuine relationships. Because these same people that tend to be unfaithful and dishonest about it also assume and go nuts over the idea that their partner could do the same to them.

Once, I realized a guy was acting rather cold with me after showing so much interest every time we saw each other. I thought maybe I was overthinking it or projecting, but it came back to me that he actually lived with someone and was in a committed relationship. This never came up in any of our conversations. The only tip was the cold manner in which he texted me and the spontaneous attention whenever we would see each other.

There’s a certain feedback loop of men doing what they want because they want it and not considering the consequences. I think this is a direct symptom of machismo, which is all about the ability of men to do just that in order to assert their manliness. However, if a woman does the same, I need not even go into the litany of insults that exist in Spanish to describe her.

Infidelity is a man’s game here. And a game it is. These days, I don’t date, and if I do in the future, it will be with utmost detachment and caution.

Obviously, I am just a cynic that has seen some of the worst in dating in Colombia. Perhaps I’ll write a post in which I contradict all of this because some beautiful person comes and sweeps me off my feet. I highly doubt it though, as a lot of this is less to do with my personal experience and more to do with the broad echoes of the dull roar of the antiquated conquista attitude that remains embedded in dating culture here today.

A imagem pode conter: 1 pessoa, texto

On that note, I wish you all a Happy Valentine’s (or Galentine’s) day! Love yourselves first – then and only then can you appreciate and recognize the genuine love of others.

Versos de Colombia

I’ve decided to share the poems that I have written since living and being inspired by life in Colombia. Some days the inspiration is so great, I can’t help but sit and let flow poem after poem. They generally aren’t long, but I feel they are significant for where I am in my life and the person this experience has molded me into being.

Plus, come on, y’all. I’m practically 26. I’ve been telling people I’m 26 without meaning to because subconsciously I’m already there. I feel like in this year and a half I have grown and matured more than in all of my years before combined.

Okay, maybe that is a bit hyperbolic. But yes, I’ve really settled into myself. And that shift in perspective, the embrace of self and denial of anything that does not grow or nourish the self is due in large part to the simple decision I made to live and teach in Colombia.

I will put the Spanish and English versions for those that don’t speak Spanish, so you can hopefully really absorb the meaning.

Al mal Tiempo

Her voice
Like the arroyo washing back
A reassuring hush

Her eyes
Like half moons hidden
Beneath dreamy clouds

Her bones
Brittle yet stark like yue bark
Not easily bent

I see her
Sitting in her mecedora
Reading Catholic psalms
In her flowing, multihued manta

The strength of the Colombian-
Of the Wayuu-
Al mal tiempo, buena cara.

This first poem I wrote back when I was first living in Fonseca at the end of 2016. I stayed with an older woman of Wayuu-indigenous origins (though she is very much a part of that culture presently) who was the sister of the woman that inspired this poem. I was always struck by her straight back in the face of difficulties and hardship and her unwavering resolve. Just every part of her radiates strength that her fragile body would deny. The Wayuu are a strong people. Even though there were moments she could get under my skin, I’m so happy for the time I spent with her and her family.

El Abismo

No es que sea por rencor
Pero espero que sigas con ese ardor
Y ese salado sabor
Cuando mi nombre pasa por tu boca,
Por todas las lágrimas y sudor
Gastados en vano por tocar
El abismo más profundo de mi alma.

The Abyss

It’s not to be bitter,
But I hope you still feel the burn
And that salty taste
When my name passes through your mouth,
For all the tears and sweat
Spent in vain by touching
The deepest abyss of my soul.

Love has come knocking at my door, although the fruit of that love was far from savory. Sometimes, recontextualizing myself within this culture, understanding the way people play the game of relationships, was something I had to do in order to survive and remove myself from situations that did not serve me on my journey or help me love myself, but instead led me further astray and caused me to forget myself and what has always been important to me.

Dark times, toxic relationships, shifts that have challenged me in this journey and have inspired my verses as well. Sometimes the best way to phrase and manage the hurt people can cause you is via poetry. The end of my last relationship can be summed up as a…

Twisted Fairytale

In truth, the slate has been wiped clean.
He broke the chains of my denial
With his poor, decrepit tongue
Sugar-coated in lies and poisoned in seduction.
I could never live, could never know true
Desire, love, heartache
Again by that harsh sword-

I would rather fall on my sword
Than taste those bittersweet remedies
Again and fall beneath myself.

Thank my pride for the strength it provides;
Thank my love of self and other to realize-
I was never loved by that other and never
Would be or could be-
Thank my nerve to say enough is enough.

And most importantly, thank the signs
Held up by angels among me,
Those gentle voices that know
And eyes that have seen and stung
With tears so that mine would not-

Thank my friends who have taught me
My own self-worth, to trust my own inner voice,
For they are the true heroes in this sad story
Where I am both the damsel and the knight,
And happy endings are never what they seem.

So, with that epoch sealed, I decided to love myself. To love myself ferociously and passionately, secure in the knowledge that I am all I have got.

Narcissus

I would jump into a million lakes,
Head down, face first
Into my reflection,
If it means that I could love
Myself,
Alone; Forever.

Faithful

I made a promise
To never be unfaithful again
To the most important person
In my whole world,
The one I go to bed with
Every night:

Me.

In spite of the pain I experienced, the journey itself has been totally worth it. It has aided in my process of self-discovery and the affirmation of my self-worth and independent spirit. Since breaking up with my ex, I have traveled both outward and inward – to Tayrona, Santa Marta, Ocaña, climbed the beautiful Estoraques, and began planning my independent summer adventures throughout South and Central America. The breakup opened a floodgate of creativity for me that has led me to be more reflective and respect and recognize the beauty in all the things around me.

Continuum

Puedo verlos bailando,
La ondulación como olas
En un mar ámbar
E inquieto.

I can see them dancing,
The undulation like waves
In an amber, restless sea.

Taken outside of a club in Santa Marta during my get-away in early January

Acertijo

Mi Esencia
No se puede atrapar
En una mirada de miel
Y un cuerpo
De carne y hueso.
Soy tierra y fuego–
El mar y sus olas bailadoras–
Soy palabra y aire–
Soy–

Riddle

My Essence
Cannot be trapped
In a honey gaze
And a body made
Of meat and bone.
I’m earth and fire–
The sea and its dancing waves–
I’m word and air–
I am–

The idea here was to be phrased like a riddle. I start by going to the root of my meaning, my essence, that which makes me as a person. I was reflecting not too long ago on the selfie sensation, the need to post pictures of oneself and show the world our best face. I realized that who I am really isn’t contained by that image–in fact, it could never be contained by it because that image of decaying perfection is also impermanent.

So what am I? I am a human being. And human beings transcend the prisons their flesh holds them in. Our spirits and energies make us one with nature, and nature brings meaning to what we are. I suppose it’s something I’ve learned about myself, the view I have of myself as being now far less narrow and 2-dimensional.

There have been other scribblings and fragmented thoughts along the way, but these were the principle verses I have written here. I feel like they represent the metamorphosis – the starting and beginning again where I started from but a bit fuller and wholer, the whole cycle of self-growth – really well. Now, to add some more to the list.