adventures – Nómada [con] Rumbo

I’ve decided to share the poems that I have written since living and being inspired by life in Colombia. Some days the inspiration is so great, I can’t help but sit and let flow poem after poem. They generally aren’t long, but I feel they are significant for where I am in my life and the person this experience has molded me into being.

Plus, come on, y’all. I’m practically 26. I’ve been telling people I’m 26 without meaning to because subconsciously I’m already there. I feel like in this year and a half I have grown and matured more than in all of my years before combined.

Okay, maybe that is a bit hyperbolic. But yes, I’ve really settled into myself. And that shift in perspective, the embrace of self and denial of anything that does not grow or nourish the self is due in large part to the simple decision I made to live and teach in Colombia.

I will put the Spanish and English versions for those that don’t speak Spanish, so you can hopefully really absorb the meaning.

Al mal Tiempo

Her voice
Like the arroyo washing back
A reassuring hush

Her eyes
Like half moons hidden
Beneath dreamy clouds

Her bones
Brittle yet stark like yue bark
Not easily bent

I see her
Sitting in her mecedora
Reading Catholic psalms
In her flowing, multihued manta

The strength of the Colombian-
Of the Wayuu-
Al mal tiempo, buena cara.

This first poem I wrote back when I was first living in Fonseca at the end of 2016. I stayed with an older woman of Wayuu-indigenous origins (though she is very much a part of that culture presently) who was the sister of the woman that inspired this poem. I was always struck by her straight back in the face of difficulties and hardship and her unwavering resolve. Just every part of her radiates strength that her fragile body would deny. The Wayuu are a strong people. Even though there were moments she could get under my skin, I’m so happy for the time I spent with her and her family.

El Abismo

No es que sea por rencor
Pero espero que sigas con ese ardor
Y ese salado sabor
Cuando mi nombre pasa por tu boca,
Por todas las lágrimas y sudor
Gastados en vano por tocar
El abismo más profundo de mi alma.

The Abyss

It’s not to be bitter,
But I hope you still feel the burn
And that salty taste
When my name passes through your mouth,
For all the tears and sweat
Spent in vain by touching
The deepest abyss of my soul.

Love has come knocking at my door, although the fruit of that love was far from savory. Sometimes, recontextualizing myself within this culture, understanding the way people play the game of relationships, was something I had to do in order to survive and remove myself from situations that did not serve me on my journey or help me love myself, but instead led me further astray and caused me to forget myself and what has always been important to me.

Dark times, toxic relationships, shifts that have challenged me in this journey and have inspired my verses as well. Sometimes the best way to phrase and manage the hurt people can cause you is via poetry. The end of my last relationship can be summed up as a…

Twisted Fairytale

In truth, the slate has been wiped clean.
He broke the chains of my denial
With his poor, decrepit tongue
Sugar-coated in lies and poisoned in seduction.
I could never live, could never know true
Desire, love, heartache
Again by that harsh sword-

I would rather fall on my sword
Than taste those bittersweet remedies
Again and fall beneath myself.

Thank my pride for the strength it provides;
Thank my love of self and other to realize-
I was never loved by that other and never
Would be or could be-
Thank my nerve to say enough is enough.

And most importantly, thank the signs
Held up by angels among me,
Those gentle voices that know
And eyes that have seen and stung
With tears so that mine would not-

Thank my friends who have taught me
My own self-worth, to trust my own inner voice,
For they are the true heroes in this sad story
Where I am both the damsel and the knight,
And happy endings are never what they seem.

So, with that epoch sealed, I decided to love myself. To love myself ferociously and passionately, secure in the knowledge that I am all I have got.

Narcissus

I would jump into a million lakes,
Head down, face first
Into my reflection,
If it means that I could love
Myself,
Alone; Forever.

Faithful

I made a promise
To never be unfaithful again
To the most important person
In my whole world,
The one I go to bed with
Every night:

Me.

In spite of the pain I experienced, the journey itself has been totally worth it. It has aided in my process of self-discovery and the affirmation of my self-worth and independent spirit. Since breaking up with my ex, I have traveled both outward and inward – to Tayrona, Santa Marta, Ocaña, climbed the beautiful Estoraques, and began planning my independent summer adventures throughout South and Central America. The breakup opened a floodgate of creativity for me that has led me to be more reflective and respect and recognize the beauty in all the things around me.

Continuum

Puedo verlos bailando,
La ondulación como olas
En un mar ámbar
E inquieto.

I can see them dancing,
The undulation like waves
In an amber, restless sea.

Taken outside of a club in Santa Marta during my get-away in early January

Acertijo

Mi Esencia
No se puede atrapar
En una mirada de miel
Y un cuerpo
De carne y hueso.
Soy tierra y fuego–
El mar y sus olas bailadoras–
Soy palabra y aire–
Soy–

Riddle

My Essence
Cannot be trapped
In a honey gaze
And a body made
Of meat and bone.
I’m earth and fire–
The sea and its dancing waves–
I’m word and air–
I am–

The idea here was to be phrased like a riddle. I start by going to the root of my meaning, my essence, that which makes me as a person. I was reflecting not too long ago on the selfie sensation, the need to post pictures of oneself and show the world our best face. I realized that who I am really isn’t contained by that image–in fact, it could never be contained by it because that image of decaying perfection is also impermanent.

So what am I? I am a human being. And human beings transcend the prisons their flesh holds them in. Our spirits and energies make us one with nature, and nature brings meaning to what we are. I suppose it’s something I’ve learned about myself, the view I have of myself as being now far less narrow and 2-dimensional.

There have been other scribblings and fragmented thoughts along the way, but these were the principle verses I have written here. I feel like they represent the metamorphosis – the starting and beginning again where I started from but a bit fuller and wholer, the whole cycle of self-growth – really well. Now, to add some more to the list.

To be honest, I meant to post this back in February. A lot has happened in my life in the past 3 months since starting this post, but because I feel it is important and may even serve as inspiration for other frustrated teachers working abroad, I decided it was worth finishing and sharing. Better late than never!

Over the past months, I’ve basically been exposed to a baptism-by-fire-esque melee of first-year teaching obstacles. It hasn’t been easy, but I can say that I’m happy to note the little things that have gone right among the long, interminable list of failures. Or, perhaps failures is too strong a word–dismaying mishaps? These seemingly minuscule events that keep me getting up and dressing myself each morning are what I like to call “Tiny Victories.” In the end, they have added up to be far more significant than any of the broader struggles I’ve faced.

Here is my short, (non)exhaustive list of things that have gone right this year:

1. Seeing the difficult ones make progress (even if it seems slow and daunting with much backsliding and daily struggles).

Samuel, one of my “difficult” students has stopped running out of the classroom. This is by no means to say that he is now behaving and participating in class like most of the other students, but for Samuel, it will have to be enough…for now. EDIT: these incidences have now ceased along with most of his formerly daily outbursts. Today I met with his mom and got to tell her personally how proud I was of Samu’s progress and maturity. Sure, he still has trouble staying engaged in class and avoiding his caprichos but I have to say he is one of my success stories from this year. It’s not always a power struggle, I’ve found.

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2. Finishing a lesson on time / good time management days where I’m able to stay on track.

My lessons have come together, and I finish tasks on schedule. This one was HUGE but gradual, because it turns out time management is not always innate. Eventually I developed a good sense of time without even looking at the clock. This has done wonders for keeping class running smoothly. Some days run smoother than others, which makes this one a prototypical Tiny Victory.

3. Witnessing students using and engaging with the language in and out of class.

My students are listening and speaking English – sometimes without prompting! Sometimes they even pester me during recess to tell me or ask me things in English. It’s adorably endearing – a true testament to the fact that my effort to immerse them and actually teach something organically has, in fact, been working. The listening part is a huge improvement considering when I started I could barely get them to even look at me while I spoke, much less actively listen and participate.

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4. Being able to take everything in stride.

I’ve gained a general increased confidence, in spite of the exhaustion and occasional confusion that weighs me down. I no longer am obsessing over the little things. If I get through all of the days activities, as I have done on most days, at least I have something positive to take away from it.

5. Seeing the little sprouts pop up from the seeds I’ve been planting from day one.

There are days when my difficult students repeat little things that I’ve taught them. For example one of my really frustrating, stubborn guys often comes out reminding other classmates of the importance of “making good decisions.” I’ve given a lot of motivational talks about how each student needs to control her or himself. Most of these talks boil down to thinking about the consequences of bad decisions and how to distinguish between good choices and bad choices. Pretty important stuff at this age.

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6. Anytime a student shows they actually care about/like the content of my classes. Seriously.

Also smaller things, like walking in line and hearing a normally quiet student repeating phrases I often use as attention getters under her breath really have made even my toughest discipline days more manageable. The best part is how silly these phrases are and how cute my students look as they say them. Most of them are sing-song, and extremely catchy. For example, when I want to get the students thinking and paying attention before asking a reading comprehension question, I semi-sing, “I have a question,” to which they reply, “What is your question?” Others are sillier like “Hocus pocus, everybody focus,” but it turns out the kids love them – and, yes, they work. As a small cliff note, I fully admit to plagiarizing and borrowing these tactics from more experienced teachers I have observed. Applying what you observe and seeing the results is the best.

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7. When the big stress factors turn out okay.

I successfully conducted some parent-centered events where I basically had to coach children to speak in English in front of a crowd. That was no small feat, but I experienced more than a few “minor” tiny victories during both English Speaking Cultures Fair and the Science Fair. But perhaps the most satisfying part was the children actually enjoyed it. And learned something.

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8. Days when I know I have the help I need.

I also got a great co-teacher, which was in a way a victory in itself as we have a good chemistry and since then, the little things have become far more manageable and less like the constant, gradual build up of explosive stress and pressure that I was feeling for the first month and a half.

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Now, I take everything in stride. I don’t let myself get as angry and frustrated or take things as personally as I once did. Score for learning how to use my own energy wisely! That’s a tiny victory in and of itself considering that there are rarely “perfect” days (in fact, I am now completely convinced these are myths on par with those of the Greeks). And that’s all thanks to focusing on the daily tiny victories!

I think this post shows how formerly “tiny” victories add up to be Long-term Successes. All you need is the right combination of passion, interest, patience, and persistence. So if you are a struggling new teacher going through the whole baptism by fire or awaiting to go through it in the coming year, all I can say is keep going! Your work will pay off in the end, even if it means accepting that nothing will ever be perfect.