living abroad – Diario de una Aventurera

Every day Situations in which knowing Spanish is and will be life-saving in Colombia

As has become customary, I will begin this post with a disclaimer: I live in a smaller part of Colombia, not in Bogota. I live in a place where foreigners are still a novelty – yes, that word is very appropriate in this case. If you go to most places in Colombia, expect an array of questions and curiosity, regardless of the situation you might find yourself in, particularly if you find yourself in a less metropolitan place.

Still, there is something you must keep in mind: Colombian culture is a communicative culture. It is a verbal, expressive culture, to such an extent that you have to be careful not to take things at face value because being expressive also means being exaggerative at times. Especially in the coast.

I’ve traveled in other parts of Colombia, but the daily experiences have been had living in Valledupar, Colombia. If you happen to end up in these “wild west” areas for tourists, knowing the language spoken is so essential, even if you’re starting with the basics. Here you will build up that base, which is the value of avoiding the more tourist- and foreigner-populated areas. If what you’re looking for is authentic experiences and interactions, you will find them here. However, you might not always like it.

The experiences I’ve had where language has been essential are more numerous than I expected. As a somewhat reserved person, I wasn’t expecting to need to speak to strangers every time I leave my house. However, that’s what you should prepare yourself for, even if what you’re saying are simple greetings.

In the street, people will greet you. Seems normal, but if you are introverted or used to living in big cities, it can be off-putting to be rushing down the street a wreck to get to work while people are telling you good morning and asking how it’s going. However, your needs for Spanish vocabulary are basic, obviously, returning the gesture is more than enough under most circumstances.

por-que-los-piropos-son-acoso

Unless those simple greetings are accompanied by catcalls. They can be as seemingly harmless as “my beautiful queen” (mi reina hermosa) to more grating like “uy mami me das ganas de pecar” (mami you make me feel like sinning – yeah wishing I was making this up but it happens). The response here can be as simple as a glare or a non-response, gracias if what was said was actually a genuine, non-cringy compliment and you feel like it merits thanks, or a straight up comeback such as, Y calladito te ves mas bonito (“And you look nicer with your mouth shut”). It really depends on your mood what level of Spanish you need for this daily encounter, but the point is, as a woman, you need to prepare yourself for the daily reminder that you are female-presenting and are outside walking around, whether you go out looking like Miss Universe or roll out of bed sick and go out in basketball shorts and a big t-shirt (speaking from personal experience – yes, really). Catcalls get old, but there are other interactions with mostly men you will have ahead of you, such as…

CatcallingThe21stCenturyWoman

Taxistas. Even in smaller cities or towns, people that don’t have cars are given options in the form of taxis – either of the traditional yellow variety or mototaxis. Mototaxis are literally just that – motorcycles driven by random men with no special markings. Sometimes they come in “uber” form, but the only app for that is whatsapp. They have no signs or distinguishing features usually since I’m not sure they are technically legal, but if you notice a motorcyclist honking at you like crazy, he is probably trying to get your attention in case you are a potential passenger – not because you’re attractive. So despite all of the catcalling, this is actually less cringe-y.

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So whether regular taxista or mototaxista, expect to have the using “I’m going to…” conversation regularly. But, not only that! Make sure that you have some idea of the landmarks near where you are going. If you expect them to understand a simple address you are dead wrong. Unless it’s a very straight-forward destination that everyone recognizes, then just the name of the place might be sufficient. But as a rule of thumb, I like to have a general idea of what is around the place I’m going, aside from the Barrio – which is more than just a basic sentence. Be prepared to get a lot of practice there.

Then there is the often inevitable conversation that is had with the taxista. Sometimes this happens even when you try to bury yourself into a chat conversation in your phone (which may or may not be genuine depending on if you have data or not – the all-inclusive unlimited text plans aren’t as common here). The questions usually touch on the same familiar territory, so you will be better at this form of small talk before you know it. It usually starts with, “You aren’t from here, are you?” and ends with “So what do you think about that President Trump?” That part might be hard for a new arrival, but hope for that outcome and not the “Why aren’t you married? Got any kids? And your husband? You thinking of marrying a Colombian guy? Could it be me?” route. Oh, yes, most taxistas are male, so that it takes that turn at least once is absolutely guaranteed. Fun.

If you thought you might be safe from verbal/aural overload once you reach your destination, well, I’m sorry to inform you that you are completely wrong. When you go shopping, especially if it’s downtown or in a local tienda, expect to be pummeled with questions. What are you looking for, how can I help you, etc. What you would expect, of course. But if you’re going clothes shopping or more likely window shopping, they probably won’t accept a “just looking” response. I’ve been followed around a store as I literally walk about aimlessly hoping they will get bored before exasperatedly turning and saying, “Look, I literally am just looking, and now I’m leaving.”

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In the tienda, you might need to go with a list prepared. I’ve gone so many times only vaguely knowing what I want, and I literally forget everything because they put me on the spot. Obviously not everyone is as flighty as me, but if you are still in the learning stage of Spanish, expect you will need to communicate what you need. And clearly. I once asked for meat, but I was expecting to be shown a portion, not asked how many pounds (libras) I would like. I had no idea and gave away my foreignness by asking for a reference. You see, I think in the States we get used to shopping visually, the typical supermarket experience where you walk up and down aisles picking and choosing what you need, looking at everything unhurriedly. But if you want to get things cheaper, you will want to shop locally, and if you shop locally, you will be expected to rattle off everything you need – while competing with other Colombians to speak. And costeños will speak over you, and in this case, the first and the loudest gets the fastest service. Facts.

The pharmacy or drug story (drogería as it is called more commonly in Colombia) is another challenge. You see, if you have a prescription, it is pretty much the same as in the states – you show the paper, they give the medicine, you done. But in Colombia, drug stores don’t rely on prescriptions alone. In fact, you can find independent pharmacies like la rebaja and la receta on pretty much every corner downtown. There are a few big pharmacies that resemble CVS and Walgreens in the states like Farmatodo but most of them are smaller cornerstore deals.

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Just like in the tienda, don’t expect calm browsing. Introverts are probably feeling uncomfortable. “You mean I have to describe all of it to the pharmacist?” Well you can go the route of describing your symptoms, because let’s face it: coming to a new country means not always knowing the exact equivalent of every daily item branded under a different name in the states. Tylenol exists, but it has different, more common generic forms like Acetomenofen, the scientific name which most Colombians know regardless of the brand. Most medicines I associated with brands which only exist in the states, I realized. Knowing a brand might be useful when dealing with toothpaste, for example. Colgate is even a “pasta de dientes” replacement – however you need to pronounce it in Spanish: col-ga-te, syllable by syllable, like it’s spelled, otherwise they will stare at you in blank confusion. And so it goes with most everyday products, like hair styling brands, which are still common here. Pharmacies here have all of the products under glass in the display counter where you have to request them in order to receive them from the pharmacist, which is where knowing exactly what you are looking for comes in handy. Not all of the products will actually be visible in the display counter, and some pricing or brand options and preferences will be offered. Cuidado!

But as you can imagine, linguistic adaption takes time, but with time, it comes. So don’t get too overwhelmed if you are imagining how you will handle all of these very direct, verbal situations. Daily you will be immersed, and if you are going to live in another country in order to learn the language, that is ideal. My fluency has increased so much, even if my reserved nature has only slightly shifted, so there’s that!

Sometimes funny, sometimes scary, often a challenge, using Spanish in the coast of Colombia is a reality you should expect and take advantage of because it will make you more confident using the language.

10 Things I wish I would’ve known about living in Colombia

Before I moved to Colombia, as you can imagine, I was completely nervous. Excited, yes. Prepared? I wasn’t sure. The uncertainties were all around me.

So, like most people in the age of technology, I took to the internet. I looked for blogs/vlogs, lists, articles, College Humor pieces – anything that could give me an idea of what it would be like living and working in Colombia.

Unfortunately, I came up mostly empty. For all that travel blogs and teach-abroad blogs are quite popular these days, I couldn’t find many vlogs or posts with information I found pertinent (and personal). It was all mostly general or stereotypical – salsa dancing, tourist attractions, and the general basics for travel and work – how much you could expect to make, where you could expect to work, etc. But as far as the different elements of culture shock, language, daily life, traveling on a budget, making friends and forming relationships – well, the internet seemed silent.

Maybe I’m just bad at search engines. Either way, I feel there is a need. So I would like to share my top 10 things I wish I would’ve known before moving to Colombia.

(I should preface this by saying this information mostly applies to the Colombian coastal region, and the difference between the interior of the country and the coast definitely makes the list of things I wish I would’ve known about Colombia before living here.)

Image result for mapa de las regiones culturales de colombia — Just keep this in mind – there’s practically a different dialect for every one of these regions.

Bogota is not Colombia. And the differences between regions can be much more dramatic than one would expect (culturally, dialectually, etc.). I knew this because I had visited both beforehand, but I didn’t realize just how big the rivalry between different regions in Colombia is. You won’t be just adapting to a new culture based on the country, but also based on the region you choose to live in as well.
Colombia is not as dangerous as it once was. You are not likely to get kidnapped by random taxi drivers anytime you go out. You won’t see violence in the streets. However, crime caused by the incredible degree of inequality and poverty is real. Because of this, you will probably be robbed or mugged at least once – oh, by the way, don’t go out with your cellphone at night, or if you do, don’t own a fancy, expensive smartphone. You have been warned.
People are not always to be taken at face value. Things are not always what they seem on the surface, and if money is involved, one should err on the side of caution. It is very likely if you are working in anything that requires charging or loaning money that you will have to hassle that person in order to get it, because Colombians either never have money because of how awful the economy is or simply don’t want to pay when they do have money.
Relationships and gender roles are truly influenced by machismo. But it’s not always as obvious as you think. Lies, deceit, and general toxicity all tend to play a role, and to many people here, this looks normal due to the culture.
The cost of living and exploring is inexpensive. Even though you can’t expect to make a lot of money by US dollars standards, you can still manage to save and live your best life. Travel by bus and plane to different parts of Colombia is inexpensive, but work can be extremely draining (because schools here are not well-organized, and the hierarchy can be extremely stressful – more on this in a different post). It’s a real game of give and take with your schedule to keep things in balance.
Your personality will change if and only if you are truly immersed in the culture. You wanna get good at dancing to Latin music? You have to let yourself be taught and be spontaneous. Same with your degree of fluency in Spanish. Most people here don’t speak English and are very shy to do so (aside from the annoying cat-callers that only know one phrase – like “I love you” and “hello”), so if you are interested in learning Spanish, this is a great place to do it. However, you should come willing to make an effort and learn from the people around you.
Most people do not know that much about the US. So questions get repetitive. It’s kind of like how when I’m in the states, questions revolve around 30 year old issues like Pablo Escobar and drug cartels…yeah, ignorance is the same no matter where you are, but at least the questions are mostly about Trump, somebody who is actually alive and relevant.
Colombia really does not have seasons. I honestly didn’t realize that. So if you pick a hot place to live, expect that to be a constant. If you pick a colder, rainy place (like Bogota), that will also be a constant, with some flux depending on the months and dry or rainy seasons. Weather is not necessarily a constant, but the general temperature and variety of weather definitely is.
In a small city like Valledupar, transportation is so easy and cheap. Of course, the same can’t be said for sprawling cities with a shitty Transmilenio bus system in place of a metro, but trust me, if you live in small town Colombia, moto-taxis for $2 mil a ride will become your best friend. Cheap street food like arepas, empanadas, deditos de queso, and papas rellenas will become your best friend, too. I should probably just do a whole post on food, let me bookmark that for later…
People will embrace you. Sure you have to root through the people that want to use you for the perceived money or influence that gringos have, but people here are truly so warm and willing to share with others, so long as they sense that you are a genuine person as well and you are willing to open up. That has to be one of my favorite things about the culture.

Now that I’ve written those 10, several more things occur to me. But I’ll leave that for another post. Basically, living in (coastal) Colombia is a spontaneous experience, so you need to be open-minded and aware of your surroundings. Appearances often are not to be trusted, but life is looser and more flexible – which means if you crave and thrive on structure, la Costa probably isn’t the place for you.

However, that being said, I think this country offers something for everyone. Medellin, Cali, Bogota, Bucaramanga – all of these great cities are different from cities in the coast. In Colombia, one size definitely does not fit all.

I hope this is helpful to anyone considering living, working, or at least traveling in Colombia. As with life abroad in any country, a willingness to adapt to your environment is always important and necessary. There will always be things you don’t like – be it the slowness, the poor attitude toward customers, the backwards gender norms, the superficiality, in the cases I’ve seen that were less than pleasant – but you can learn and grow from these differences and observations as well. All of that makes the experience that much more rewarding and totally worth it.

If you’ve lived in or are living in Colombia, do leave a comment below sharing what you discovered but didn’t realize before living in Colombia (along with which part of Colombia you lived/are living in!).

Goals for 2018: Consistency, Discipline, and Amor Propio

Lately I have a lot of good energy moving around from my core to the tips of my fingers and toes. I feel like now is the moment to take advantage of that energy. To write, to share, and to manifest what I want from my life.

What sort of energy do you find yourself with today? Were you tired, tense, stressed? Indifferent, restless? Unsure, neutral? Relieved and relaxed? Calm and content?

It’s good to read your own energy and know how to spend it in the most efficient way. After all, we are made of the energy we surround ourselves with as well as the energy we generate and put out into the universe. One of my personal goals has been to carefully monitor and manage my own energy as well as the sort of energy I allow close to me. I’m an emotion sponge – always have been – and by being mindful of that, I can use that trait to benefit myself and forward my goals.

It’s all a matter of balance. Which is where I’m going with this post. How do we manage our energy? By putting in the right amount of time and energy into the right sorts of pursuits.

And how can we do that more effectively? I’ve been reflecting on that a lot since the beginning of this year. My personal answer has been a love of self and respect for one’s own needs, goals, and energies.

I want to share my goals, and the methods I will use to pursue them, not just to have a typical resolutions post but to show how the short-term goals we call resolutions can be turned into the beginning steps towards long-term projections toward the future.

Of course, there are no guarantees I won’t fall off the wagon and lose sight of all of this. There are never guarantees that we won’t suffer depressions or tragedies that muddy up our energy and take time to treat and heal. But that’s okay. My goal is not to be rigid when I commit myself to this disciplined mentality. Rather it’s to be adaptable and focus on all of the different avenues that help me to continue moving forward while still coping with the ups and downs and fluctuations of life.

Every day is made up of 24 hours. Time is limited and finite. I know, everyone knows that, right? But it’s also fluid and, yes, in some ways, a social construct. One of my primary goals is to construct my plans around time in this sort of way. Do I know if I will be able to commit to a master’s program by next year, for example? No, and I don’t know if it will be completely necessary to fulfill my long-term goals; however I’m in the process of figuring out the next step in my education, so I think putting that in there makes sense because it’s a part of my projection for the future.

Speaking in broad, fluid strokes, my goals are the following:

Writing: Blog, Poetry Collection, Novel, Essays

Writing is not only something I want to focus on for professional reasons: it’s a necessity to me. I’ve realized throughout my life that, no matter how tired or stressed or frustrated I am with life, I am always writing. No matter if nobody reads it. No matter if I don’t share it or it’s completely therapeutic. Or it’s dry and academic. In some way or another, I always have to be writing and expressing myself in this way.

So my goal is to build on that. To hone my craft and develop my voice, and beyond that, to put my voice out there and allow others to hear it. In the past, I have been very self-critical to the point of over-thinking and limiting myself. My goal now is to produce, to create in every way that I can, a la Neil Gaiman. Because, come on, no one ever got better by not trying. If I don’t apply myself now, all of these ideas I have floating around in my head will never materialize.

To put it in terms of time: this year I want to create a concrete collection of poems and send them for publishing and/or send them to different journals. I want to fill this blog with posts every month (a new post at least once a week) – and develop within my niche. And I’m hoping to have a good draft for my novel, The Dark Realm, by November. I haven’t really started working chapter by chapter because of energy place on establishing other habits, but once I have a good rhythm, I plan on taking my outline/planning and starting to chip away at those ideas bit by bit until I get something concrete to share. Essays, of course, go with the blog to a certain extent, although the blog will also include more anecdotal and list stuff. It’s more of a platform to highlight various parts of my experience.

2. Travel – and Document

This summer, I’ve already got two concrete travel plans: Backpacking in South America independently (with a little help from my friends that live in different countries and couch surfing/hostel friends I have yet to meet). The other is a mochilero trip with a friend who was actually my chaperone back when I went to Spain for a couple weeks as a senior trip in high school (how cool is that continuity?). I’ve been saving a lot to make these plans a reality, which of course is another big goal/goal-facilitator that can’t be overlooked.

In these travels, I want to combine my writing and picture-taking to tell a cohesive story of Latin America, the reality that I once only knew on an academic level, which is to say the complexities of the culture and societal dynamics (economy, history, current events, etc.). I love exploring for exploration’s sake, but if I could do at least a little to lessen the ignorance we see on a broad scale in the States, well, hey, I sure as hell want to contribute my two sense/cents.

Plus, the goal is to get other people intrigued so that they will go out and explore more, too. By living an experience, immersing yourself in another culture, we grow as individuals and as global citizens. Our mind’s horizons expand. You can feel the change and, I kid you not, nothing is ever the same. It sounds dramatic, but I know living abroad has changed me for the better. It’s made me more aware of what matters to me, the sort of person I am, and what other’s can teach me. We grow up thinking the world consists of what is truly only a bubble of reality, a small fragment of a much larger novel (hell, it’s more of a Robert Jordan-esque multileveled universe of epics, but I digress). So this goal is a real big one for me and for my development as a human being, which revolves around the broader goal of self-actualization.

3. Get a good camera and develop a photography portfolio

On that note, I need to get a good camera (which, again, is where saving right now is so crucial) so that I can properly document these experiences. There are so many things which catch my eye: people, relationships, shades, little details that create connections between language and images. I’ve always had this goal, but I never had the means. Now, with my budgeting, I feel fairly confident I can afford a good camera by the time summer rolls around and start focusing on a new craft.

4. Increase fluency in Portuguese and start developing some conversational/integrated skills in at least 2 other languages

This is fairly self-explanatory: by the time I’m 30, I want to be able to call myself confidently mult-lingual. That shit doesn’t happen on its own over night. There are some people that have amazing memories. Some people are surrounded by a multitude of languages and have to learn out of necessity or have the social circle that facilitates them learning. But the absence of those attributes and unique circumstances is not an excuse not to throw myself into self-studying and improving the capacities I already have in a few languages now.

The specific languages I’m focusing on are Portuguese (for obvious reasons, it’s the easiest for me because I’m already fluent in Spanish; it’s more being persistent and speaking as much as I can while developing vocabulary via listening, writing, and reading). I want to go to Brazil this summer, so this one is a big one. Luckily, I have a few years of casual study and a few Brazilian people that can help me. It’s just a matter of taking advantage of that.

The other primary language I would like to become conversational in is Japanese. You might ask, why Japanese? Well, I want to live and work in Japan by the time I’m 30. How I will do this, I haven’t entirely figured out, but I will make it happen. I’ve already got the basis in the language. I can write decently. The pronunciation is easy. But I need to get some good conversation practice and learn more vocabulary, which takes work. For now, I’m working on vocabulary so that when it comes time to speak I have some knowledge to draw on.

On the periphery, there is my basic knowledge of German and French. Those two are next on the list, but they seem further away. Language study takes time. I try to make it a daily thing so it’s easier to integrate it into my life and keep those mental pathways open. However, there aren’t that many people around speaking these languages in Colombia. So it takes effort. And these two are harder in terms of grammar and pronunciation. But once I have a good rhythm in Portuguese and Japanese, I’m going to start working more seriously on these two. And from there, the list goes on….

5. Start a new career more centered on my passions*

This is going to take time, and I know it. Right now, I’ve got a pretty good thing going for me as a teacher. I enjoy it. It motivates me and keeps me disciplined. However, it is not what I want to do indefinitely, and I know it. It is a passion, but it isn’t the passion I want to marry, you feel me?

I want to work with non-profits. I need to volunteer more. Build a more diverse resume. Advertise my translation skills. What does that certificate I studied and the money I paid for worth if I don’t? Hay que poner pilas!

6. Translation and potential Interpretation Certification/Experience

Obviously this is a big part of the previous goal, but more specifically I need to build my translation portfolio. And look for an interpretation program. It’s a skill that takes practice, plus that will help boost my resume.

7. Choose a Master’s program and work on the application process**

I’ve began looking into different Master’s programs. I know that if I want to go into diplomacy and international relations in the future, it would behoove me to, well, study and deepen my knowledge in that area. Living abroad isn’t enough. I need the contacts and the research to really get me to where I want to be as a professional. It’s just hard to decide when I haven’t settled on a place to live next year. Stability is something I have lacked and something I’m trying to cultivate despite my very spontaneous life style and multifaceted interests and pursuits.

Right now, I think I’m going to keep researching online programs. Its a resume-builder, for sure, but honestly, I’m more concerned with a continued pursuit of knowledge than a higher pay grade. Although that part would kind of help with the rest of my goals, so….it can’t hurt.

8. Stay fit – in body and mind (dance, yoga, and weights)

I love being active. I love the way it makes me feel. I was reflecting today, and there are three activities that make me totally zone out and forget about everything that stresses me: cooking, dancing, and any other physical activity (as well as writing, but sometimes channeling that energy can increase my anxiety, too). Oh and washing dishes. I’m weird, okay?

In short, I don’t want to be fit to be skinny. I don’t want to be fit for the instagram followers or the praise or the interest of boys. I want to be active. I need to be fit to be active and healthy. I need to be strong so that my body can handle more stress. If I can handle more stress, I’m sick less, and being less sick makes me less stressed and being less stressed makes me less sick. See how that one works? So, really, being fit is more about being strong so that I can do more.

Also, I really love dancing, but I’d like to feel more confident when I do it. Yoga helps with balance and meditation. Weights provide strength. All of them require discipline and practice.

9. Maintain a healthy diet and good eating habits – oh and more cooking.

All of my goals are kinda related, no? Well, if I wanna be strong and get sick less, I have got to eat better. This one I’ve been working on a lot lately, starting with waking up and making myself a good breakfast. Like, not just cereal or yogurt or breakfast bar, but actual omelettes (du fromage), granola, yogurt, fruit, juice, water…. The works. I still don’t really eat dinner, but I think I balance my meals okay throughout the day. And if I need to eat at night, I’m trying to cook on Sundays and plan meals ahead of time.

Last year, I started getting and staying chronically ill. Gastritis, acid reflux, and sometimes an inability to eat without feeling awful, no matter what I ate. During the holidays, I was able to reset, and I realized that the doctor that performed my endoscopy was totally right: my problems are linked to stress. Stress and poor eating habits. So I’m trying to work on both and get sick less. Because when I’m sick, I’m miserable. I feel like I’m unable to do anything, which leads to this awful sense of stagnation and anxiety. And then the vicious cycle repeats ad nauseum. Literally.

10. Continue building and strengthening positive relationships with people around me and leave negativity at the door.

This goal is definitely a strong personal one. Networking is important, but having real friends that you can rely on is even more important. Living abroad has made me realize that these genuine ties are so vital. They practically set a benchmark for defining our own happiness and fulfillment in whatever life situation we find ourselves. Without a strong support system, everything else seems greyer and less meaningful. Work is just work. But when you feel like you are part of something and work to maintain good relationships with the people around you, life and its labors become more meaningful. It also creates a sense of peace of mind.

I’ve been known to be confrontational. Negative. A bit abrasive. And I’ve had some relationships in my life that did not help me overcome those sorts of character traits. Being abrasive and direct is not necessarily a bad thing, but like all things, it requires moderation.

Living in Colombia has made me realize the importance of strong, positive interpersonal relationships – for accomplishing goals and just generally living a more fulfilling life. I see how my attitudes and actions can affect others and also affect the general outcome of various scenarios. When I’m positive and bear in mind the things I am in control of rather than dwelling on those I am not, I am able to connect to others in a meaningful way and truly enjoy the moment. These lessons have been invaluable for me. My goal is to continue strengthening the close relationships I have and doing what I can to contribute to a positive local and global community, focusing on the Butterfly Effect, the ripple of every choice and action we make.

Okay, I think that’s a good broad portrait of the things I want to work on and accomplish.

Here is how I hope to achieve them:

Budgeting
Time Management
Prioritizing
Flexibility
Habits. Make it a habit.
Developing and sharing hobbies
Mindfulness and meditation (be more stoic)
Focusing on the self and maintaining a healthy growth mindset
Getting help (and not being afraid to ask)
Dedicate time each day to the areas that need improvement
Self-assess and check in (continue with therapy)
Read more and take advantage of daily learning opportunities (be a life-learner)
Game plan and follow-through

I would expand on each, but I think it’s all pretty clear at this point. We have a limited amount of hours in the day, but if we prioritize and think of how we can work on each area every week and find moments in between – well, we make progress. As long as we’re working and making an effort to do something with our energy, we are making progress.

And I want 2018 to be my year of progress. Every year has involved metamorphosis. Sometimes it has involved loss. Often it has. Mainly, the loss has been a result of focusing my energy on the wrong thing or simply not focusing at all. Harnessing energy and managing time in a meaningful way takes a lot of effort, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Because, in the end, successful or not, I will have created something. This all might be fairly self-indulgent, but let’s face it: we all are self-indulgent. We all want to leave our mark and contribute something to the universe. We want our existence to be significant.

But significance doesn’t generate itself. I plan to take advantage of whatever opportunity I’ve gotten and not to spend as much time internally panicking and stressing the little things that ultimately will be forgotten by the next year, and more so by the next 10 years. It’s not about checking off every detail and simply focusing on the accomplishment itself. It’s about the journey towards these goals, not the destination.

How are you accomplishing your goals? Do you feel over-ambitious or under-ambitious? How do you manage your time and plan things realistically? Maybe we can swap insights. Leave a comment below!

Dating and /Not/ Dating in Colombia

In honor of Valentine’s Day (and its wonderfully appropriate alternative: Galentine’s day, brought to us by the comedic genius of Parks & Rec), I’d like to recap some of my horrifyingly hilarious experiences I’ve had in the Colombian dating arena.

Many times, I was thrust into this game unwitting or unwillingly. You’ll soon see how that is possible by the powers of machismo, though I assure you, it should come as no surprise.

In Colombia, I think it’s fair for me to say that dating culture, in general, is quite toxic. This is because of some harmful stereotypes-made-real and culturally-accepted norms, ranging from no-means-yes and yes-means-anything-goes and lying (both benevolently and not) in order to maintain a certain facade within the relationship (which does almost inevitably lead to straight up infidelity).

I know it’s been said, but this is, of course, anecdotal. There may be no studies relaying just why it is or the frequency at which these sorts of things happen. However, that doesn’t diminish the fact that they do happen, and mostly it’s because of the dominant machista culture. I’ll go in to what machismo is via examples throughout the post.

Most recently, I was invited to go swimming with a guy I barely knew. I met him while hanging out with a friend and her friends (and their friends) the night before. Bear in mind: I had expected us to go to the pool in a group, which seems safe, am I right? But his intentions weren’t completely unclear either. That morning, he had sent me several texts that read very…flirtatious. But that’s normal here. What Colombian doesn’t call most women “mi vida,” “bebe,” “mi amor,” “princesa,” etc.? You would be surprised. However, the excessive amounts of winking and suggestive-face emojis clearly gave him away.

Now, I really wanted to go swimming. Just keep that in mind. So I said yes, why not? I mean, worst case scenario, he’s just very awkward, right? I have to shun a few untoward remarks, maybe. No big deal.

Wrong. You see, when men like you here, they don’t care if you are as stiff as a corpse. They will touch YOU. Now doesn’t that just have the word RAPE spelled all over it in big crimson letters. Sometimes I forget this, and the shock is real.

As soon as I got in the cab when he pulled up at my house, he put his arm around me. Strike one. He started to caress my shoulder in this utterly cringe-inducing way as he spoke at length about things he assumed I knew nothing about and made general smalltalk. I tried to pretend not to notice, attempting to keep things light and friendly. He kept getting closer and closer to me. I could feel my skin crawling, that sensation you get when there are tons of invisible ants all over you.

By the time we got to the pool, he was trying to hold my hand, not letting me more than a few inches from him. We would talk and laugh or carry on (conversation in all its forms is my ultimate defense mechanism when I am really uncomfortable), and then he leaned in and without any sort of preamble (other than some sort of throw-away “sultry” – in his mind – phrasing) tried kissing me, which landed on my chin. This happened several times. When it happened, I went rigid. I told him I barely knew him, the physical contact is too intense, it’s making me uncomfortable – I mean how much clearer could I be?

He pretended to care, said it was no problem, insisted on asking if I was comfortable and having a good time. But as soon as I dropped my guard, the same awkward dance would begin again.

He would look for pretexts to touch me. In the pool, he tried to lift me up and carry me around. On the balcony looking over the city’s valley and surrounding mountain peaks, while I was trying to admire the view, he cornered me and blocked my line of vision. He recited poetry to me, sang at me, basically wrapped his legs around me at one point.

Need I go on? It was absolutely obnoxious. Then he had the nerve, after I told him more than once that none of that was cool, to ask me if I would be interested in going out with him some more. To which a cocked my head to the side and coyly responded, “Wait, what? Since when was this a date? I’m just barely getting to know you. And no, I would not be and am not interested in going out with anyone at the moment. No offense.”

Why do I feel the need to tack on the disclaimers? “No offense.” I suppose it’s hard to reject men flatly when you’re in a situation in which you are forced to be around them alone. It’s not that I felt physically threatened by him, but it’s just uncomfortable. My instincts to be polite often get me in trouble, and more so in situations like this. I imagine on some level it’s because women are trained to be polite above all else. Which in no way backfires, of course…

This phenomena of touching the other person whether they express that they want it or not and assuming that it is okay to press boundaries is all too common.

Even with my ex, there were times I did not want to be intimate, and to be frank, he would ignore just how rigid and indifferent my body language was, or that my words expressed that I felt. Somehow, all of this behavior gets written off as normal here. Which has led me to having to fight to express myself and then feel ignored or written off when I say, hey, stop, that’s not what I’m into.

If you are going to date a guy here, as with any cultural context, you must recognize that everyone is different. No two people are alike. This might maintain you with at least a little bit of hope and optimism. However, there are some broad norms that become patterns for some underlying reason. Most of what I’m describing here is do to machismo.

To give you a textbook definition, machismo is a strong or exaggerated sense of manliness; an assumptive attitude that virility, courage, strength, and entitlement to dominate are attributes or concomitants of masculinity. Are you seeing the assumptive patterns here?

Another example of how toxic dating culture can be here is the constant feeding of the male ego. I’ve now had several encounters with men who literally do not shut up about themselves. They will start asking you questions – only to cut you off before you’ve even completed a sentence.

It starts with them asking a million questions in order to seem like they are actually interested in you. Like, “So, tell me about yourself. What do you like? Where are you from? What’s your passion in life?”

Your mind begins to work over the slew of questions. You begin, “Well, I’m not sure where to begin. I’m really passionate about–”

“Oh, so did I tell you I just started working at this company blahblahblah.”

It really is that bad. And they expect you to just go along with it. And god forbid you interrupt them, because I have seen more than one guy get indignant or simply ignore everything I have said because, hold on, he didn’t finish.

Entitlement. When he cares, it matters. When you are interested, it’s up to him. And generally speaking, whenever a guy gets hit by the urge to mess around here, he expects his demands to be met. As illustrated with my ex as well as the guy I barely met, women are expected to just bend over and take it. Your refusal or disapproval is easily ignored. But don’t expect him to be around when you need or want something.

Which leads me to the next point: vanity. On one hand, it can be nice to date someone that cares about his appearance and actually wants to look good for you. But the dark side of that is the problematic behavior that concern can generate. It manifests itself in more than just an obsession for one’s physical appearance, but general appraisal of everything related to oneself. In a word: ego. I have seen how the image of a person can be set before the person themself. Sometimes it manifests itself in insisting that you only post pictures in which they look perfect. Other times, its demanding that you change your image in order to suit their whims. In all cases, it is exhausting and superficial.

Another common occurrence is texting in order to “manage” you and maintain your interest. “Que haces” is the most common and literally repetitive question. Sometimes I’ve been asked what I am doing with no more than a few minutes in between, as if there were literally nothing else to say or talk about. There is a sense of micromanaging as a means of control here. If you don’t respond, you obviously are devoting your time to someone else or something that *gasp* may be more important than your pretendiente!

Then there is planning. This spontaneously can pop up on the whim of your lover, and the proposal may be more of a pointed “we are going to do…” or “I want to do…” and less of a “hey, I was wondering if you would like to…”

As an American, I was used to the latter, more courteous manner of suggesting activities. Most Americans aren’t that forward when they are just getting to know each other, at least, not the crowd I tend to run with. I have never experimented with Tinder, but I did have my fair share of okcupid dates, and aside from a few cocky bastards, very rarely was a date demanded rather than suggested, without some caveat to make sure the other person feels comfortable even considering it a date. We Americans, in my experience, are less determined to put a label on our relationships too early in the game. In my opinion, it avoids conflict but can lead to confusion once someone inevitably catches feels and wants to know where they stand.

Speaking of being American, thanks to being the minority in the small coastal city I live in, I have been blessed with the experience of being exotified. If I was insensitive or indifferent at some point to the struggle of women of other ethnicities in the states, I can safely say that I do understand how it must feel to be reduced to a label, a stereotype, and fetishized for it – and it’s awful. It sucks. It really makes you hate everything associated with that label. The comments are cringe-worthy. The “be my sexy English teacher” and “let me teach you how to dance” and “all gringas are easy” are a broken record that drives you madder and madder everytime it enters conversation – and believe me, if you meet a guy here and you are American, it will. I don’t think I will ever date anyone again that clearly had some romanticized or crude American-Pie-fueled image of me again.

But going back to Colombian culture, dating is a clearly established game. However, the rules are generally “don’t ask, don’t tell” when it comes to the sort of transparency that tells you if other people are in the picture or not. Exclusivity, I have realized, is not as much as a given as the fact that if you accept an invitation to go on a date, in the guy’s mind you are probably “dating” unless he says otherwise. Even if he’s also seeing several girls on the side. Or one “officially.”

I have still yet to meet a man here that will straight up tell me if he has a girlfriend when he expresses interest in me. Even if I meet him with another girl that is clearly somehow sentimentally or physically involved with him, there is often a lie, either implicit or explicit: no, it’s nothing serious, I’m into you.

I’m starting to develop a sixth sense for this shadiness. Now I won’t take a guy as seriously and will most likely just walk away if he even suggests having something serious too quickly, assuming that he has a girlfriend. This is because I have been led on or straight up duped into thinking a guy was single only to be told by others or find out clandestinely that there was another woman in the picture the whole time. For me, as someone that as a rule would never go for a guy that is committed to someone else, that is absolutely devastating.

Returning to the theme of machismo, I’ve realized that there is an implicit cultural acceptance for infidelity if the man is doing the cheating. It shows his “swagger”, his prowess, his…insecurity. I think the root is insecurity and the lack of genuine relationships. Because these same people that tend to be unfaithful and dishonest about it also assume and go nuts over the idea that their partner could do the same to them.

Once, I realized a guy was acting rather cold with me after showing so much interest every time we saw each other. I thought maybe I was overthinking it or projecting, but it came back to me that he actually lived with someone and was in a committed relationship. This never came up in any of our conversations. The only tip was the cold manner in which he texted me and the spontaneous attention whenever we would see each other.

There’s a certain feedback loop of men doing what they want because they want it and not considering the consequences. I think this is a direct symptom of machismo, which is all about the ability of men to do just that in order to assert their manliness. However, if a woman does the same, I need not even go into the litany of insults that exist in Spanish to describe her.

Infidelity is a man’s game here. And a game it is. These days, I don’t date, and if I do in the future, it will be with utmost detachment and caution.

Obviously, I am just a cynic that has seen some of the worst in dating in Colombia. Perhaps I’ll write a post in which I contradict all of this because some beautiful person comes and sweeps me off my feet. I highly doubt it though, as a lot of this is less to do with my personal experience and more to do with the broad echoes of the dull roar of the antiquated conquista attitude that remains embedded in dating culture here today.

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On that note, I wish you all a Happy Valentine’s (or Galentine’s) day! Love yourselves first – then and only then can you appreciate and recognize the genuine love of others.

Anxiety and Working Abroad

Considering it’s the beginning of a new academic period, I feel reflecting on some of the struggles I’ve had with anxiety are quite apropos. I started this post last year, and since, I have made progress and even have some advice. That being said, and at risk of sounding cliche, this is a daily struggle.

For some time, perhaps my entire life, I have lived with all sorts of nagging fears I knew to be completely irrational. They’re the sort of feedback loop of kneejerk reactionary thoughts that have you literally rolling around in bed, tossing and turning for hours. Every time I’ve been under stress, that feedback loop tends to become deafening and even debilitating to my abilities to socialize and feel good about myself. Unfortunately, as much as I enjoy living abroad and the challenges it has brought me, the anxiety is still there, like a constant rain cloud a la Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Disclaimer: I have never been diagnosed with General Anxiety. I don’t know if that makes my experience less legitimate or if I should avoid self-diagnosis, but it’s one of the few helpful frameworks I have for dealing with these types of feelings and experiences.

Before I knew anything about mental health, I thought of myself as simply defective. Why were things that seemed so normal for other people so damn hard for me? Why couldn’t I just go out and smile and talk to people when I lived somewhere new? Why was it so hard to acclimate to new situations, to feel stable under pressure, to cope with minor shake-ups? Why did I feel like I needed to hide away, to be invisible, to avoid some sort of terrible consequence that even I couldn’t fathom? Sometimes I still feel defective and angry with myself for being that way, despite realizing that it isn’t my fault.

Living with anxiety on its own is just hard. Being put into a new environment with strangers and rigorous expectations can be crushing.

My first year taught me how to cope with the over-stimulation I often get when my anxiety peaks. However, I still have a lot to learn.

As the holidays lurched to a close, it began to dawn on me just how unprepared I was. Impostor syndrome soon followed, and before I knew it, I was incapable of eating without my stomach tying itself into knots (fun fact: last year I realized the full link between stress/anxiety and my acid reflux/gastritis; my symptoms are mild when I am in a non-stressed, neutral state, however the peak had me thinking I had an ulcer last period and practically incapable of eating without suffering from extreme heartburn and cramps – the more you know).

I’m no stranger to this feeling; however, last year at this time, there were moments I thought it would actually fully impair my ability to teach. So, I developed coping methods. Some better than others, but they have served me well. Now, at the end of week two of classes with lots of projects and goals staring me in the face, I feel more centered than ever in spite of my strong bouts of momentary panic.

So without further ado, let me give you a rundown on some tricks I’ve learned (the hard way, of course) for managing anxiety and stress:

1. Me time. Me time, me time, me time.

When I leave the school and stop being forced to be around other people, I have come to realize there is zero guilt in absolutely indulging myself. That can be as simple as taking a long (*cold* – this is Coastal Colombia, after all) shower, painting my nails, laying around with phone in hand, and just generally doing nothing but soaking in the essence that is me. I can’t believe that ever made me feel guilty, I mean, seriously, how diluted was I to think the need to constantly be around others and not “missing out” didn’t just add to my anxiety. But boy, does it ever. So now, I embrace a night in or a solo date getting ice cream (or better yet, a smoothie from Cosecha’s) or a meal at the mall conveniently located at walking distance from my house. Nothing resets me more in the midst of exhaustion from a demanding work environment than bringing my gaze inward and treating myself.

2. Explore more.

I’m not talking full-blown trips (though that is related, but I have chosen to separate the two in my mind for reasons). It could be as simple, if the place is new to you (as Valledupar was to me), as looking up a restaurant containing your favorite type of food and making a plan to go check it out. Many times when I have been lonely and overwhelmed, I have taken it upon myself to arm my own plans to go walking and bathing in the local river, to checking out different art galleries downtown, to just soaking in the little things around me and letting myself meander along and get lost in the new place I now feel I can call home.

3. The arts are your friend – even if you think you aren’t an “artist.”

Whatever your interests, art heals. Performing for others has always amplified my anxiety, it’s true. But jamming with others, now that’s something I can get behind. It doesn’t have to be making music though. Writing – a poem, short story, song, journal entry – whatever floats your boat can really help with those stressful days when other, more pressing matters just don’t seem doable. It also helps process thoughts and alleviates my anxiety in that way so that I feel less overwhelmed and burdened. Something I picked up back when I lived in Los Angeles and still do to this day is light sketching. I am by no means super talented, but that really doesn’t matter when engaging in the arts as an act of survival and a means of distracting from or channeling intrusive, anxious thoughts and energy. This could also include enjoying a good film or getting lost in a book. Creativity is the key.

4. Traveling, and doing so with as little baggage as possible.

Now, this was a hurdle I’ve had to overcome that also challenges me because it generates anxiety initially. But I love to travel. Truth be told, a lot of things I love cause my anxiety to peak in an uncomfortable way, but I’ve found if I can power through it, the feeling after the fact of satisfaction really outweighs the knots in my stomach caused at the outset. One of my favorite things about Colombia is the ability to explore the country on a budget, to just take off at pretty much any time and go almost anywhere on the bus. Is this difficult? Yes, sometimes it is, especially if you are the planning every pit stop type, but it has helped with the restless spurts I get with my hectic, demanding work schedule which often makes me feel like life revolves around work (and thus has me “missing out”). Of course, there’s no reason it has to be that way! It just takes effort to plan (minimally) and take off.

5. Don’t be afraid to talk to (relative) strangers.

I’m still not a huge advocate of approaching random people or inviting them into your house. I mean, friendliness is good, but reserves aren’t all bad either. But I’ve found that feeling down and anxious can lead one to perpetuating a cycle brought about by projecting onto and avoiding others. Then we sort of craft a negative reality removed from the perceptions and perceived criticisms of others which could even enhance that sense of loneliness and unease. So one way to combat the anxiety that causes it to simply talk to people. If there’s a topic or a question, hiding it away does no good. It can be hard, but when the moment comes, I have learned to embrace even the same conversation a million different times and ways with the taxista. These casual exchanges can sometimes lead to friendships or at least interesting encounters that can improve your whole day. Having an open mind doesn’t hurt, and I think being less guarded has actually helped a lot with my anxiety as a whole.

6. Ask for help.

I think this may be the biggest lesson the last few years have taught me. I recently started going to a therapist to learn more about myself and how to process my own experiences and difficulties related to anxiety and depression. All of my friends and family that know have been so encouraging. It’s true that we all have suffered in some way, and frankly I think everyone could benefit from therapy. But also asking for help in general can be so difficult when dealing with anxiety because, at least for me, it makes me feel like something of a burden upon others. Paying someone to shoulder part of that burden by simply listening and providing insight, strategies, and feedback is so nice. But if that is too much, reaching out to friends and family, as hard as it can be (especially if you’re like me and have too much pride at times) is so very worth it. That’s how we know we aren’t truly alone.

7. Be present.

Don’t forget to breathe. Live in the moment. Let the anxiety settle on you like a restless, weary traveler – it’ll be gone before you know it. It just takes time. Those days have happened to me plenty often, the days when I feel like I’m buzzing or overheating and boiling over like a pressure cooker left on too long. Those are the days when it’s important to unplug and focus on the now. Mindfulness and stoicism have been some of my saving graces that I have been working on ever since I moved to California. Here in Colombia, it continues to help me maintain my balance when I feel tossed about by life’s unpredictable, fickle nature. Yoga, meditation, journaling – all are tools I would highly recommend. Just breathe.

Hopefully this list will continue to grow, as I truthfully, as I predicted, this experience has drawn the anxiety out of me and drain me. It has been an immense challenge at times – between the personal and the professional struggles I have faced and my own worries about the future – for me to follow this advice and remain present and in my element despite being pushed out of my comfort zone. But I will say, it has been worth it. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.

Please share your own experiences with anxiety in the comments. Anybody else living abroad who has had that utterly horrifying, restless feeling of not knowing what they’re truly doing with their life? Finding it hard to do simple, mundane things or to ask for help in a new environment? Trust me, I’ve been there, and I’m all for giving (and receiving) advice and tips.

Especially those that don’t involve simply downing a bottle of aguardiente until you forget what country you’re from, not to mention your anxieties. (You can file that under the list of unhealthy coping methods I would kinda-sorta-not-really recommend when dealing with these situations – you know, only when the situation calls for it, of course)