advice – Page 2 – Nómada [con] Rumbo

Considering it’s the beginning of a new academic period, I feel reflecting on some of the struggles I’ve had with anxiety are quite apropos. I started this post last year, and since, I have made progress and even have some advice. That being said, and at risk of sounding cliche, this is a daily struggle.

For some time, perhaps my entire life, I have lived with all sorts of nagging fears I knew to be completely irrational. They’re the sort of feedback loop of kneejerk reactionary thoughts that have you literally rolling around in bed, tossing and turning for hours. Every time I’ve been under stress, that feedback loop tends to become deafening and even debilitating to my abilities to socialize and feel good about myself. Unfortunately, as much as I enjoy living abroad and the challenges it has brought me, the anxiety is still there, like a constant rain cloud a la Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Disclaimer: I have never been diagnosed with General Anxiety. I don’t know if that makes my experience less legitimate or if I should avoid self-diagnosis, but it’s one of the few helpful frameworks I have for dealing with these types of feelings and experiences.

Before I knew anything about mental health, I thought of myself as simply defective. Why were things that seemed so normal for other people so damn hard for me? Why couldn’t I just go out and smile and talk to people when I lived somewhere new? Why was it so hard to acclimate to new situations, to feel stable under pressure, to cope with minor shake-ups? Why did I feel like I needed to hide away, to be invisible, to avoid some sort of terrible consequence that even I couldn’t fathom? Sometimes I still feel defective and angry with myself for being that way, despite realizing that it isn’t my fault.

Living with anxiety on its own is just hard. Being put into a new environment with strangers and rigorous expectations can be crushing.

My first year taught me how to cope with the over-stimulation I often get when my anxiety peaks. However, I still have a lot to learn.

As the holidays lurched to a close, it began to dawn on me just how unprepared I was. Impostor syndrome soon followed, and before I knew it, I was incapable of eating without my stomach tying itself into knots (fun fact: last year I realized the full link between stress/anxiety and my acid reflux/gastritis; my symptoms are mild when I am in a non-stressed, neutral state, however the peak had me thinking I had an ulcer last period and practically incapable of eating without suffering from extreme heartburn and cramps – the more you know).

I’m no stranger to this feeling; however, last year at this time, there were moments I thought it would actually fully impair my ability to teach. So, I developed coping methods. Some better than others, but they have served me well. Now, at the end of week two of classes with lots of projects and goals staring me in the face, I feel more centered than ever in spite of my strong bouts of momentary panic.

So without further ado, let me give you a rundown on some tricks I’ve learned (the hard way, of course) for managing anxiety and stress:

1. Me time. Me time, me time, me time.

When I leave the school and stop being forced to be around other people, I have come to realize there is zero guilt in absolutely indulging myself. That can be as simple as taking a long (*cold* – this is Coastal Colombia, after all) shower, painting my nails, laying around with phone in hand, and just generally doing nothing but soaking in the essence that is me. I can’t believe that ever made me feel guilty, I mean, seriously, how diluted was I to think the need to constantly be around others and not “missing out” didn’t just add to my anxiety. But boy, does it ever. So now, I embrace a night in or a solo date getting ice cream (or better yet, a smoothie from Cosecha’s) or a meal at the mall conveniently located at walking distance from my house. Nothing resets me more in the midst of exhaustion from a demanding work environment than bringing my gaze inward and treating myself.

2. Explore more.

I’m not talking full-blown trips (though that is related, but I have chosen to separate the two in my mind for reasons). It could be as simple, if the place is new to you (as Valledupar was to me), as looking up a restaurant containing your favorite type of food and making a plan to go check it out. Many times when I have been lonely and overwhelmed, I have taken it upon myself to arm my own plans to go walking and bathing in the local river, to checking out different art galleries downtown, to just soaking in the little things around me and letting myself meander along and get lost in the new place I now feel I can call home.

3. The arts are your friend – even if you think you aren’t an “artist.”

Whatever your interests, art heals. Performing for others has always amplified my anxiety, it’s true. But jamming with others, now that’s something I can get behind. It doesn’t have to be making music though. Writing – a poem, short story, song, journal entry – whatever floats your boat can really help with those stressful days when other, more pressing matters just don’t seem doable. It also helps process thoughts and alleviates my anxiety in that way so that I feel less overwhelmed and burdened. Something I picked up back when I lived in Los Angeles and still do to this day is light sketching. I am by no means super talented, but that really doesn’t matter when engaging in the arts as an act of survival and a means of distracting from or channeling intrusive, anxious thoughts and energy. This could also include enjoying a good film or getting lost in a book. Creativity is the key.

4. Traveling, and doing so with as little baggage as possible.

Now, this was a hurdle I’ve had to overcome that also challenges me because it generates anxiety initially. But I love to travel. Truth be told, a lot of things I love cause my anxiety to peak in an uncomfortable way, but I’ve found if I can power through it, the feeling after the fact of satisfaction really outweighs the knots in my stomach caused at the outset. One of my favorite things about Colombia is the ability to explore the country on a budget, to just take off at pretty much any time and go almost anywhere on the bus. Is this difficult? Yes, sometimes it is, especially if you are the planning every pit stop type, but it has helped with the restless spurts I get with my hectic, demanding work schedule which often makes me feel like life revolves around work (and thus has me “missing out”). Of course, there’s no reason it has to be that way! It just takes effort to plan (minimally) and take off.

5. Don’t be afraid to talk to (relative) strangers.

I’m still not a huge advocate of approaching random people or inviting them into your house. I mean, friendliness is good, but reserves aren’t all bad either. But I’ve found that feeling down and anxious can lead one to perpetuating a cycle brought about by projecting onto and avoiding others. Then we sort of craft a negative reality removed from the perceptions and perceived criticisms of others which could even enhance that sense of loneliness and unease. So one way to combat the anxiety that causes it to simply talk to people. If there’s a topic or a question, hiding it away does no good. It can be hard, but when the moment comes, I have learned to embrace even the same conversation a million different times and ways with the taxista. These casual exchanges can sometimes lead to friendships or at least interesting encounters that can improve your whole day. Having an open mind doesn’t hurt, and I think being less guarded has actually helped a lot with my anxiety as a whole.

6. Ask for help.

I think this may be the biggest lesson the last few years have taught me. I recently started going to a therapist to learn more about myself and how to process my own experiences and difficulties related to anxiety and depression. All of my friends and family that know have been so encouraging. It’s true that we all have suffered in some way, and frankly I think everyone could benefit from therapy. But also asking for help in general can be so difficult when dealing with anxiety because, at least for me, it makes me feel like something of a burden upon others. Paying someone to shoulder part of that burden by simply listening and providing insight, strategies, and feedback is so nice. But if that is too much, reaching out to friends and family, as hard as it can be (especially if you’re like me and have too much pride at times) is so very worth it. That’s how we know we aren’t truly alone.

7. Be present.

Don’t forget to breathe. Live in the moment. Let the anxiety settle on you like a restless, weary traveler – it’ll be gone before you know it. It just takes time. Those days have happened to me plenty often, the days when I feel like I’m buzzing or overheating and boiling over like a pressure cooker left on too long. Those are the days when it’s important to unplug and focus on the now. Mindfulness and stoicism have been some of my saving graces that I have been working on ever since I moved to California. Here in Colombia, it continues to help me maintain my balance when I feel tossed about by life’s unpredictable, fickle nature. Yoga, meditation, journaling – all are tools I would highly recommend. Just breathe.

Hopefully this list will continue to grow, as I truthfully, as I predicted, this experience has drawn the anxiety out of me and drain me. It has been an immense challenge at times – between the personal and the professional struggles I have faced and my own worries about the future – for me to follow this advice and remain present and in my element despite being pushed out of my comfort zone. But I will say, it has been worth it. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.

Please share your own experiences with anxiety in the comments. Anybody else living abroad who has had that utterly horrifying, restless feeling of not knowing what they’re truly doing with their life? Finding it hard to do simple, mundane things or to ask for help in a new environment? Trust me, I’ve been there, and I’m all for giving (and receiving) advice and tips.

Especially those that don’t involve simply downing a bottle of aguardiente until you forget what country you’re from, not to mention your anxieties. (You can file that under the list of unhealthy coping methods I would kinda-sorta-not-really recommend when dealing with these situations – you know, only when the situation calls for it, of course)

To be honest, I meant to post this back in February. A lot has happened in my life in the past 3 months since starting this post, but because I feel it is important and may even serve as inspiration for other frustrated teachers working abroad, I decided it was worth finishing and sharing. Better late than never!

Over the past months, I’ve basically been exposed to a baptism-by-fire-esque melee of first-year teaching obstacles. It hasn’t been easy, but I can say that I’m happy to note the little things that have gone right among the long, interminable list of failures. Or, perhaps failures is too strong a word–dismaying mishaps? These seemingly minuscule events that keep me getting up and dressing myself each morning are what I like to call “Tiny Victories.” In the end, they have added up to be far more significant than any of the broader struggles I’ve faced.

Here is my short, (non)exhaustive list of things that have gone right this year:

1. Seeing the difficult ones make progress (even if it seems slow and daunting with much backsliding and daily struggles).

Samuel, one of my “difficult” students has stopped running out of the classroom. This is by no means to say that he is now behaving and participating in class like most of the other students, but for Samuel, it will have to be enough…for now. EDIT: these incidences have now ceased along with most of his formerly daily outbursts. Today I met with his mom and got to tell her personally how proud I was of Samu’s progress and maturity. Sure, he still has trouble staying engaged in class and avoiding his caprichos but I have to say he is one of my success stories from this year. It’s not always a power struggle, I’ve found.

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2. Finishing a lesson on time / good time management days where I’m able to stay on track.

My lessons have come together, and I finish tasks on schedule. This one was HUGE but gradual, because it turns out time management is not always innate. Eventually I developed a good sense of time without even looking at the clock. This has done wonders for keeping class running smoothly. Some days run smoother than others, which makes this one a prototypical Tiny Victory.

3. Witnessing students using and engaging with the language in and out of class.

My students are listening and speaking English – sometimes without prompting! Sometimes they even pester me during recess to tell me or ask me things in English. It’s adorably endearing – a true testament to the fact that my effort to immerse them and actually teach something organically has, in fact, been working. The listening part is a huge improvement considering when I started I could barely get them to even look at me while I spoke, much less actively listen and participate.

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4. Being able to take everything in stride.

I’ve gained a general increased confidence, in spite of the exhaustion and occasional confusion that weighs me down. I no longer am obsessing over the little things. If I get through all of the days activities, as I have done on most days, at least I have something positive to take away from it.

5. Seeing the little sprouts pop up from the seeds I’ve been planting from day one.

There are days when my difficult students repeat little things that I’ve taught them. For example one of my really frustrating, stubborn guys often comes out reminding other classmates of the importance of “making good decisions.” I’ve given a lot of motivational talks about how each student needs to control her or himself. Most of these talks boil down to thinking about the consequences of bad decisions and how to distinguish between good choices and bad choices. Pretty important stuff at this age.

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6. Anytime a student shows they actually care about/like the content of my classes. Seriously.

Also smaller things, like walking in line and hearing a normally quiet student repeating phrases I often use as attention getters under her breath really have made even my toughest discipline days more manageable. The best part is how silly these phrases are and how cute my students look as they say them. Most of them are sing-song, and extremely catchy. For example, when I want to get the students thinking and paying attention before asking a reading comprehension question, I semi-sing, “I have a question,” to which they reply, “What is your question?” Others are sillier like “Hocus pocus, everybody focus,” but it turns out the kids love them – and, yes, they work. As a small cliff note, I fully admit to plagiarizing and borrowing these tactics from more experienced teachers I have observed. Applying what you observe and seeing the results is the best.

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7. When the big stress factors turn out okay.

I successfully conducted some parent-centered events where I basically had to coach children to speak in English in front of a crowd. That was no small feat, but I experienced more than a few “minor” tiny victories during both English Speaking Cultures Fair and the Science Fair. But perhaps the most satisfying part was the children actually enjoyed it. And learned something.

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8. Days when I know I have the help I need.

I also got a great co-teacher, which was in a way a victory in itself as we have a good chemistry and since then, the little things have become far more manageable and less like the constant, gradual build up of explosive stress and pressure that I was feeling for the first month and a half.

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Now, I take everything in stride. I don’t let myself get as angry and frustrated or take things as personally as I once did. Score for learning how to use my own energy wisely! That’s a tiny victory in and of itself considering that there are rarely “perfect” days (in fact, I am now completely convinced these are myths on par with those of the Greeks). And that’s all thanks to focusing on the daily tiny victories!

I think this post shows how formerly “tiny” victories add up to be Long-term Successes. All you need is the right combination of passion, interest, patience, and persistence. So if you are a struggling new teacher going through the whole baptism by fire or awaiting to go through it in the coming year, all I can say is keep going! Your work will pay off in the end, even if it means accepting that nothing will ever be perfect.